The Crush...

So… I haven’t done much in the last day or so but I have been thinking a lot…. That someone that I brought up last time I blogged. we have kind of agreed that we are not looking for anyone else and see how things go between us… he seems to really like me… but I can feel my insecurities build up when he’s complementing me because I feel like he’s not really beings honest and just saying those things to get something like everyone else I have been with. I don’t know you can see I’m in this triangle of confusion and it continues to be mind boggling and its DRIVING me insane!!! He’s very handsome and always makes me smile and laugh… every time his texts me I get really super excited… like a person that never gets texted…. (Which is UN TRUE)

I like him so much, when I have like 13 texts from leaving to go to the bathroom I read his first when I come back and reply to his before anyone… Why I don’t know but I have a feeling it’s because I maybe have a minor crush!! I think I might just go for it let my insecurities down and get over it… if he doesn’t like me… he doesn’t like me… there’s plenty of guys that do… I hate this risk taking BS id rather just has my love come like how in the movies where the 2 people meet at a wedding of a friend…. Or 2 people forced to be around each other to the point where they decide there’s a lot of common traits that they love each other… or of course the damn high school sweet hearts… DAMN you people… I’m happy for you and all

As I get older I’m starting to grow bitter towards those who have found that special someone in the beginning… I always have my safety blanket for a guy… he’s my “I know I can have him guy” because he thinks the world of me for some reason. Why don’t I just assume that me and him with be together? well to be honest he’s like those sweatpants that you want to wear only on days you want to be comfy… new guy is like those new shoes that you bought and you feel kind of guilty for buying them but you look so damn good in them… J I guess at my age it’s ok to feel like you need a little more excitement…

I’m torn because I do want to start thinking about settling down and having a future with someone… and WHY IS THAT? Why do I have the constant want to be with someone for ever I mean I’m proving it to myself that I can do it on my own and enjoy it... maybe I’m not ready after the whole Kevin fooling me to believe I was actually in love with him HA I didn’t even enjoyed his company… how did I think that there was even a chance I was going to be with him forever… what’s scary to think right now I could have his baby and be a single mother right now, as we speak changing dippers and hearing the screaming of a child in the background wanting to be fed!

I guess I’m just going to keep living my life and see how things go… if things work… they work if they don’t… whatever… I’m not going to invest as much emotionally as I did with others and see if it will be ok… I think it’s time I put on my really expensive cute high heels and felt like I look damn fine…. Its nice to be young and I’m happy I’m able to realize this!!!

Cube Wars

So let’s get started… this weekend was not the most exciting, It was busy and lots of fun I went and got a new TV (well new to me) and hauled it up in to my apartment by myself with a little guidance from grandma… (not to be ungrateful but she didn’t help much…) after getting into the apt I realized it is huge in my apt, after watching a 19 inch for the last 6 months. To be honest I don’t find that much time to watch TV and if am it’s a really quick update on the Royal Pains. I also went to the coast took some pictures of the light house, let the dog run around, and got out of the heat for a few hours. It was fun I made a CD for grandma and I, but it was drowned out by our conversation of family stuff and analyzing issues we have and what life throws at us… (It’s interesting to me how simple I live my life compared to grandmother’s assumptions.

This last week there’s an amazing person that has my attention, he had a rough start but is working though the obstacles in his life. I don’t know why I always am attracted to someone that has a deeper story then someone that came from a house that the biggest unhappy event was a dog dying. I guess it’s because in some way you feel you can relate to them in the survivor sense. Its odd there really hasn’t been any red flags with him. He seems open honest and ready to create a life form himself and a partner. I think as I get older the list of red flags gets longer but with this guy none. I have been receiving amazing texts that say some of the most heartwarming things you could imagine (the texts make me blush they are so sweet…)

Work today was a interesting experience, I overheard (which isn’t hard in a office I have found) Elian brought in flowers and Elian put them on her desk well her cube neighbor Linda was not happy for the fact she has allergies and she threw a fit and said I’m leaving and left to Eugene. CRAZY stuff there were some nasty words yelled at each other.

Where I Left Off

I’m starting to blog again and I’m really excited. My life has changed so much sense I was last blogging. (A lot less DRAMA that’s for sure) let’s see here what has happened sense the last one… I graduated high school, came home lived with grandma while I looked for a job found. Got a job at a local sandwich shop and ended up getting an amazing job with the BLM. I met a guy while I was working at the sandwich shop and was with him for a year. It was a good relationship at first but then It went downhill he was in love with his ex, but he wanted his cake and to eat it too, and I wasn’t going to deal with being number 2 in his life. We broke up and I have only talked to him twice sense, and about my property and stuff. He also has an amazing son that I grew a bond with Sebby (Sebastian). I still talk to his mother so I see Sebby on occasion.
I just turned 20… 20 days ago… and I’m really enjoying it. Not that I really feel a deference other then the pressures of myself trying to tell myself to get a move along with my future. I start my sophomore year in a month and a half (woohoo) and I’m just going half time with the fact that I work and go to school and I can’t over do it. I live on my own and have been really enjoying the serenity of having my own space to decorate and spend time in… I do get a little lonely sometimes but the majority of the time it’s cool… I work at my job Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday doing resource assistance stuff.

The main people and places that are in my life:

Grandmother- Who lives here in Salem a few blocks away and is my shopping buddy/friend/ photo freak and the control freak (but she’s getting better). We but heads all the time but when it comes down to it there’s a lot of love she’s my grandma with an amazing heart and a wise soul. I want to be half as independent as her when I get her age.

Amanda- the best friend that’s crazier then you but gets every word that comes out my mouth. She was roommate at job corps and now a dear friend she works at subway. She’s the one that’s got the spunk but very together. She’s my laugh twin and an amazing person to call to cheer you up we have amazing crazy weekends that make life worth living and she knows every dirty little secret I have. She’s a amazing asset to my life.

Cheryl – My aunt that has an amazing sprit and she has defiantly had her turmoil’s and crazy events. She is a role model in my eyes. She has a nice family with all the dysfunctions a normal family has. I look at her I realize that even adults have things they are working on she has grown so much in the last 2 years and before I really didn’t respect her. I do now she has a amazing heart and wise soul.

Work- there’s my group of people at work with that I associate with they are all older than me but they all have corky traits that brighten up my day! Belle, she’s my trendy supervisor that takes everyone into consideration. Carolynn, she’s my witty fun health freak lady we talk nutrition and personal life stuff. Maria’s, the cute giggly gal that’s my cube neighbor we exchange gossip and talk about random things (she always has a smile on her face). Then Cindy, probably one of the nicest people you could ever meet. She’s always sweet and kind, she includes everyone that she can and she’s also my coffee friend.

Apartments- my favorite neighbor would be bill he’s my current next door neighbor but he’s moving at the end of this month :( I’m kind of worried about my next neighbor. they will never be as cool as bill… unless they are the Beatles… but that’s doubtful ha… I really don’t know much about the other people but they seem to interest me. I wonder about their life and who they are. I do have a few nick names for them like… creepy doctor, church guy, Mr. knee surgery, single mom, the red head bitch and her submissive husband, the newlyweds, and the beautiful couple. I have an old friend that lives there as well but we don’t talk much.

GUYS- I’m keeping this section closed and I’m not going to write anything here… in my blogs I will put them in, with fake names! Sorry.